“Wake up, you have got to get to the gym.” Feels stomach. Has the thought, “eh not as flat as I would like it to be, guess I should get up and get to the gym class.” Stares in mirror. Fat. Cellulite. Pulls yoga pants up over stomach in hopes of looking more slender. Cocks head to the side. Nope still fat and uncomfortable. Rushes to the gym. Takes a class. Contemplates staying for the next one. Contemplates going home to walk the dog. Goes back and forth. Finally decides to leave.
“Where’s your to-do list? There is so much to be done. You won’t feel accomplished if you don’t get all your stuff done! Now hurry up!” Makes to-do list. Drives from place to place to avoid being home. Does anything that could possibly be done in order to feel accomplished. Cleans for the hundredth time to avoid sitting down. Organizes a drawer. Vacuums for the third time today. Does laundry. Cleans again.
“Don’t eat, do not eat, don’t you dare eat!!!!” Avoids food at all costs. Keeps busy. Reads. Goes on the computer. Goes for a walk. Runs an errand. Anything to avoid the temptation of food or the feeling of a hunger pain.
The voices of Ms. Perfectionist, Ms. Judgmental and ED play like a soundtrack in my head all day long. No matter what I do or where I go or who I am with they are there trying to chirp in at all moments of the day. They are chiming in when my bed hits the pillow at night and start bright and early before my eyes even open in the morning. The voices try to control and judge my every move. No matter what I do it is not enough; not enough calories burned, not enough weight lost, not active enough, not accomplished enough and never good enough.
I have read countless books on eating disorders but never have heard the science behind it all. This video does a fantastic job of really explaining how someone with an eating disorder has a brain that functions and interprets signals differently, which then affects their relationship with food. Dr. Laura Hill does a nice job comparing and depicting the eating disorder voices as radio static. The video showed me a different side to eating disorders and really helped me to accept and confirm that someone with an eating disorder truly does have a brain that functions differently than someone who does not have one. I hope by watching this you can take away the powerful message Dr. Hill has to share!