My Journey to be ED Free

I try to “challenge” myself as the experts say. Eat things I would normally be scared to eat, you know foods that are on the “bad” list. I tried tonight. I was sitting on the couch with my lonely miserable self, contemplating what to eat for dinner. Should I skip it? Should I cook? And then it hit me, take-out! I have never ever ordered take out before. I thought to myself, “this would be a great challenge!” I browsed yelp and looked at more than a dozen menus. Closed the app, opened the app, closed it, opened it. You get the idea. Then I finally made my decision. Chinese. Yes Chinese. So I stared at the menu multiple times. Scrolling through the different options, seeing which one would fit into my category of “good”. Finally, I got the courage to dial the number and put in my order. Don’t worry I picked “healthier” options- veggie dumplings and a KIDS sesame chicken. I didn’t want the full size, that would just be disgusting. Of course we had a problem. The total was only $10. It had to be $12 for them to deliver. I lost my breathe. What would I do? I already decided on those two things and damn it that was hard enough! I thought about ordering an egg roll but it still wouldn’t make the magic number 12. So I told the guy I would just come pick it up myself, I couldn’t fathom ordering more food to make that $12 limit. I got in the car and picked up the brown bag. I walked out feeling proud of myself. I sat in front of the TV watching a movie and started in on my dumplings. I then told myself not to be greedy, so I put the sesame chicken in the kitchen and made myself sit on the couch and wait a whole hour until I ate it. You know, to space it out. So after the long tiring hour of starring at the kitchen then the clock and back to the kitchen and clock, the clock finally struck 7 p.m. so I went to the kitchen to grab my now cold chicken. I didn’t bother warming it, I sat back down on the couch and ate my sesame chicken. Eh it was okay, not exactly the mouth watering Chinese food I was hoping for but I ate it none the less. When it was all gone, I went to clean up and immediately had a pounding headache. My body was not happy with me. I decided I would feel better to move so I grabbed my pup and decided to take him for a walk around the neighborhood. Well the walk didn’t help, it only made it worse. My stomach started to ache, along with the pounding headache. I contemplated throwing up. I knew I shouldn’t and I knew it was an unhealthy idea but I also knew it would make me feel so much better. So for the whole end of the walk I had a battle in my head about whether to purge when I got inside or not. As we walked back into the apartment I immediately went to the bathroom, put up the toilet seat and forced my fingers down my throat. There it was my dinner floating before me in the toilet. I washed my fingers off under the cool sink water, wiped them on my cute purple hand towel and then repeated the behavior 4 times. I discovered a tip as I was purging, that if you stand up and purge it makes it a lot easier than squatting down and doing it (oh the things you learn along the way). I sat down on the bathroom floor and stared at the evidence in front of me. It has been a year since I have been in recovery but I know I still have a problem. Even when I was in my darkest of days I didn’t make myself purge as much as I have in the past couple of months. I finally forced myself to get up and hide the evidence, pretend it never happened. I flushed the toilet, got a Clorox wipe to clean the toilet and sink, took off my shirt that had vomit splash stains on it and tossed it in the hamper and then I hopped into a hot shower as if to cleanse myself of the dirty deed I had just partaken in. I got out, put on some pajamas, spritzed myself with Victoria’s Secret perfume and got on the couch to write. I had to get all these thoughts out of my head. I couldn’t bare for them to be alone with me for a second longer. Over the past couple of months I had written small notes about my journey, things I didn’t want to forget, feelings I didn’t want to ever let myself feel again. I always told myself I should write a blog about my journey living with an eating disorder. Reading stories about other women who have suffered have helped me immensely on my path to recovery;  I wanted to be that person for someone else. So after writing this tonight with summer break starting, I think this is the perfect beginning to my story. I would like to welcome you to my journey on living life with an eating disorder.  

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2 thoughts on “My Journey to be ED Free

  1. Hi there! First of all, welcome to the WordPress community and congratulations on creating a blog dedicated to your journey to recovery. (You might want to check out my blog and follow, I post about eating disorders every Tuesday and I feel it might help to know you aren’t alone!)

    I have been struggling with an eating disorder of my own for the past four years and I could really relate to your piece. I try to eat things I’m usually scared of eating, and it’s definitely a step out of my comfort zone, but that’s the point right? We shouldn’t be comfortable with self hatred- we need to love ourselves enough to overcome this step in our lives. I just wanted to tell you to keep your head up, and that I’m rooting for you! It may seem tough at times, but recovery really is a day to day battle. One step at a time, I know you can get there!!!

    I just followed and am looking forward to more of your posts! Good luck!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HI there! I just liked your ED post and reblogged it, I am already a fan of yours! Thank you for following me! You are my first follower and it completely made my day! Living in recovery is definitely a day to day situation and I want to be able to share my story and empower others to get help and get through it as well. I hope you stay tuned and in touch. I am rooting for you as well! Thank you so much and be kind to yourself.

      J

      Liked by 1 person

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